Erasmus Review

Looking back at the experience of being in Madrid last term it feels almost unreal. It seems like such a self-contained bubble, almost like a dream.

I’m really glad that I did it as I learnt many things about myself.

It boosted my confidence in several ways. I realised that I was able to transplant myself to an entirely new environment (without any language) and within say 6 weeks to create a life for myself, a pretty good life. I’m proud of the way that I figured out what things worked well for me and what didn’t and put right the things that I needed to in order to make myself happy (particularly finding a good place to live and meeting people my age).

Learning a language again (after almost 20 years!) was really enjoyable. I really relished thinking about how Spanish works and learning it was kind of straight-forward (if time consuming!) and learning the logic was really quite satisfying. Learning 'Art' is so different from learning something academic - much harder because it's such an opening up of oneself. It was quite nice to have the simplicity of learning a language.

But finding myself unable to communicate was a real shock, and very difficult. It was naive to think we could turn up without speaking Spanish and it would be OK. Although in hindsight the experience was probably quite valuable. Using language to ‘fit in’ (ie: to joke with people, to ask questions and find out how things are meant to be, and to explain myself) is something that I have relied heavily on in my life (fitting in has always been very important to me). Finding myself unable to do this felt both crippling and yet immensely liberating.

To my surprise a part of me loved being able to be separate, and observe rather than always be at the front line of participation. I really enjoyed being different and having a great excuse (“lo siento, soy inglese”) not to have to do things the way they were expected to be done. I won’t pretend that it wasn’t hard (being told I was going to fail because I was doing it all wrong, was particularly unpleasant). But I think that it was probably the first time in my life that I’ve really strongly felt that actually it didn’t matter if someone didn’t like what I did, since I didn’t agree with their system of value judgement.

I’m not sure right now quite what an impact the experience has had on my art. Maybe it’s too soon to judge.

The traditional and highly structured nature of the education system there was so alien to how I have learnt to work, and the daily experience of living in a new place and learning a language was so all-absorbing, that I found it impossible to make my own work. I feel anxious starting back at Camberwell that I have nothing tangible to show from the experience (well other the blog I guess – and actually that is something). The drawings that I did there I hate, and the mural painting isn’t something that I feel I have any ownership or pride in as it became just a copying exercise. I have my log book which is really a collection of the things I did and people that I met, and some early ideas.

I feel very unsettled being back (not having been in college between June until January is a long time away), and suspect it will take a while to find my feet again, and settle back into my flat, my life and college. I enjoyed the sense of space that I had in Madrid (never having any plans and living in a much more spontaneous way than I do in London) and want to try to hold onto some of that attitude now I’m back.

While I don’t yet know exactly what work I want to make there are some things that feel important at the moment to me:

• Greater commitment to making work (create more space in my life for it, and being braver!).
• Stop worrying about whether it’s ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and make what I feel like making, and celebrate the joy of making things.
• Stop worrying about ‘Painting’ and what being a ‘real artist’ means but make the kind of work that I love and find interesting (eg: Cornelia Parker, Francis Alys, Sherri Hay).
• See what it's like making collaborative work (not necessarily with other artists but maybe with people outside of the art world), maybe using the skills that I have that other people may not have (eg: working with teams of people).
• Explore the sense of lost-ness and confusion that often haunts me through making work about it.

I have this urge to make a Dolls House (interesting reflection of home, of domesticity, of organising things, at this point in time). I feel that it’s important just to go with that impulse and see what comes from it.

Likewise I think I’ll also write to London Underground and see if I can go and visit the Lost & Found department and see what comes of that.

I think perhaps Madrid showed me that even though it’s bloody daunting, good things can come of just jumping in at the deep end and seeing what happens. I suspect this could also be helpful in making work.

I do hope so.