Week 11

So I’m on the plane on the way home. Which feels very strange. It’s exciting. It’s sad. It’s a little scary.

I’ve felt quite peculiar this last week in Madrid. A little unsure with what to do with myself. Ready to go home, but not wanting to leave.

I booked myself onto a ‘tourist tour’ for Wednesday. A guided coach trip to Toledo, Escorial & Valley of the Fallen. But when I arrived in the morning, they said that as I was the only person who’d booked onto that combination, I had to do a different one. VERY annoying!

So I did the full day at Toledo. It was good. It’s a beautiful medieval & gothic city and nice to have a guide to walk you around the city and tell stories about the history. The cathedral was wonderful. And the El Grecos were amazing. Especially The Burial of the Count of Orgaz And the cloisters at the Monasterio de San Juan de la Reyes were beautiful. I’m really glad to have gone.

The rest of the group were funny. A couple of Italians but mostly Americans and an Australian family. My favourite quote of the day was:

“That’s the problem when you come to Europe, there’s so much art everywhere”.

Very astute… perhaps that IS our problem. Too much bloody art.

A nice American called Patrick who’s a chemistry professor at Philidelphia University (over here to do a lecture) latched onto me and we spent the day together and talked quite a lot about the connections between art and science, and about travel and American politics. But some of the other Americans were far too full on for me. They just loved to talk and talk and talk! Telling you stuff about themselves that’s bizarrely personal and without being asked anything (“let me tell you a story… I might cry when I tell it - I usually do, but don’t worry it’s just the menopause” !!?!). We went for this awful tourist lunch included in the tour (chicken and chips and ice-cream with tinned fruit! And musicians dressed in C17th outfits singing Mexican-style Spanish songs – it was actually quite funny it was so bad!). I found I really couldn’t be bothered with the very dull americans’ conversations, and so was really quite rude and just phased them out… I just looked out of the window and wandered off on my own whenever possible. Was kind of fun not giving a shit what they thought of me as I realised I’ll never (please god!) see you again!

I was very sorry not to have seen the Valley of the Fallen though and really regret not having made time to do it before.

The rest of the time I’ve spent wandering around. I FINALLY managed to get to the Prado (hurrah!!) and went to see the new extension that’s just opened and is showing a wonderful collection of Goya drawings (the show is called El Toro Mariposa – The Butterfly Bull), and the new collection of C19th Spanish paintings – a bit sentimental for me but quite fun – especially the giant dramatic history paintings full of castles and kings and troubled virgins).

I also went to see the Marin photography show at the Telefonica Tower. They’re 1901 to 1940 (he was a madrileno photo-journalist) and a brilliant collection. From early flying and motorbike races, to the Spanish aristocracy in the 1910s, to political rallies and then the civil war. Some amazing photos from the 1930s of the main plazas in Madrid covered in huge pictures of Lenin and the hammer and sickle to show support for the Russian Revolution (when the Republic were in power) to the shelling and bombings of streets you can still recognise today in the civil war (and snipers holding out in the area where the university now is). And some brilliant photos of Franco’s troops finally entering Madrid and everyone doing the fascist salute.

Having seen it I kept noticing references to Franco on buildings and plaques around the city. The new law I think means that these will have to be taken down (or covered over) so I don’t know how long they will be around for. The one at Moncloa for example (above the huge entrance to the airforce headquarters) says: “Francisco Franco, Caudillo de Espana, MCMLIV”.

I’ve felt very unsociable this week. Tired and really just wanting to hide under my duvet. I think it’s because I know I’m leaving. I’ve worked hard to make some connections with people here, but it has been hard work. And although I’ve made some tentative friendships I guess I know that in reality they probably finish here, and that’s both sad and a relief. Sad because for me places are very much associated with people, but a relief because it IS hard work being with people you don’t know well. It takes a lot of effort. Sally is perhaps the exception – someone that I hope I will stay in touch with.

I had a nice last Spanish lesson with Feli. She invited me to a concert (Alvaro’s band – Health Control). But I didn’t get back from Toledo until late, and just didn’t feel like going. No need to, but I guess I do also feel a little disappointed in myself for not going (I feel that I should have really). It feels like it would have been another memory to ‘bank’. But that thought depresses me. In a way it all feels a little meaningless – just going through life trying to ‘bank’ memories. This feeling has haunted me this week. What is it all for? Why come and do things like living in Madrid? What’s it for? To be able to tell your children in years to come that you ‘did’ it? To collect up memories and experiences? I’ve clearly been a bit depressed as I can’t help thinking that it’s all quite meaningless. That you try your best to fill your days with doing stuff and then you die! It all feels a bit pointless. I know that travel is supposed to broaden your mind (and I’m sure it does!) but what is one meant to do with a broad mind? Think more? Think bigger? Am still not sure what the point of that is!

I think to be honest I feel a bit lost and a bit anxious about coming back. I’m not sure really what I’ve ‘achieved’ by being here (other than having survived it and had some fun times!) and I’m nervous about what people will expect from me. Should my drawing be really good? Should I be able to speak fluent Spanish? Should I have some incredible ideas for amazing art I should be gagging to do when I get back to Camberwell? Should I be full of entertaining stories of my exploits?

I guess I’ve really enjoyed being in a bit of a bubble here. I’ve liked being ‘different’ and even though it’s been hard, there’s something really quite pleasant about not being understood and not understanding what’s being said. It allows you to stand apart and just watch. It lets you be quite passive and see what happens rather than taking control of situations. To my surprise there is a part of me that really enjoys that (as well as the part of me that I’m familiar with that finds it impossible!). And I’m not sure how the new parts of me that I’ve discovered will work back in London.

Last night was a funny farewell. I sent an email and some texts to invite people out for a drink to say goodbye, but disappointingly a lot of the people who I thought would come (Jolie, Antony, Max, Nathan, Nicole) didn’t even respond. I was surprised and a bit annoyed as I’ve made a lot of effort with them. But maybe it’s hard for them having us here for only a short amount of time. Perhaps saying goodbye is too uncomfortable. Sarah, Matt & Feli were all having to work late so couldn’t come but I had a nice gentle evening in the Pepe Botello (in plaza dos mayo) with Antonio, Johannes and Sally (who came for a quick drink in between her MBA studying!).

Perhaps it was a fitting end. Johannes and I stayed out talking a lot about the experience of being in a strange new city (he has found it very hard and had decided to go back to Sweden, but has now changed his mind and is staying for the year). It was a nice reflective conversation.

Antonio was great and gave me some of his stickers (prints of his drawings) which he sticks in public places (a form of grafitti). He’s asked me to sticker them in London and take photos for him of them in-situ. I’m excited about it. I think maybe it’s a nice way to re-engage with London and make connections between the two cities. Antonio’s drawings are all graphic style visuals of everyday Madrid life (on the tube, in the supermercado, in bars etc) and I think it’ll be fun to find appropriate sites for them in similar places in London. A nice mini-project.

I had my final café con leche at Café Commercial this morning. Fernando was so lovely. Very warm and sad to see me go. He gave me a huge hug when I said goodbye. I bought him a guide book to Londres as he’s coming with his family in the spring and he promised to call me when they come over. He is a wonderful man. The café has been in his family for 4 generations (over 100 years) and he trained as a lawyer before realising that he needed to run the family business (to keep it in the family). He wants to be the last generation (doesn’t want the life of a café owner for his daughter – too much work he says. The place is open 20 hours a day!!!). He wouldn’t let me pay today and said how sad he was that I was leaving. I think that making friends with him and being known there (and teased!) has been one of the real highlights of my trip. I’m proud of myself for having decided it would be ‘my place’ and making it happen for me.

Despite my reservations I am excited about being back in London. About seeing my friends and Rups, about being back in my flat, about having all the things that I’ve missed so much while I was away (art, music, theatre, interesting food!).

There’s lots I’ll miss about Madrid and some things I won’t (!) and despite my depressed thoughts about pointlessness, since you DO have to fill your days before you die, it’s been a pretty amazing way to spend 3 months, and I am SO very very glad that I’ve done it.

Things I’ll miss about Madrid:

• Breakfast at Café Commercial & Fernando
• Sunshine and blue skies everyday
• Café con leche
• Watching the news on TeleMadrid (full of disasters – fires, car crashes, floods, hospitals – you don’t need to know Spanish to understand!)
• Walking around the city every day
• Donuts & churros
• The clean empty metro
• Vino Tinto & canas
• Sitting outside the cafeteria in the sun for lunch at college
• The pride that people have in their jobs (waiters, street cleaners etc)
• Spanish lessons at Feli’s flat
• Anatomia (Pedro going “asi, asi, asi” as he draws)
• Being in a bubble!
• Sally, Matt, Antony, Feli
• Acietunas
• Being different
• Walking in the middle of the little streets because there’s no cars
• Going out late (took a while to get used to but I love it).
• Doing my blog
• Spontaneous social life
• Buskers on the metro (the drummers at Tribunal & the saxophonist at Plaza Espana)
• Churches everywhere
• Flags everywhere
• People wandering around the streets in the evenings.
• Shopping 6-9pm.
• Food markets (like La Paz in Serrano)
• Tarta de manzana
• Zumo de naranja
• Pimientos de guernica
• The balconies & shutters in my flat
• Having time and space to yourself
• A real mixture of ages of people in bars
• Knowing how far I am from home by the red Telefonica tower clock.
• Being so self-sufficient
• People being so kind and generous with their time.
• Mi companeros espanol en las classes
• Lots of hanging around (having lots of breaks)
• Sense of history and tradition
• Plazas (sense of space they give to a city)
• Tiendas de Articulos Religiosa
• Palmaritas
• Diez viajes targetas por el metro
• The worn wooden stairs and iron banisters up to my flat
• Marble table tops
• Old ladies in fur coats with sunglasses and small dogs.
• Emma laughing at me

Things I won’t miss so much

• Everyone smoking (and smoking everywhere!) so your clothes and hair always smell of it.
• Jamon (no more please!!!)
• Dog poo
• Jolie grumpy in pintura mural
• Having to work so hard with people you don’t know
• Mangey cats all around the university
• Having your personality limited by the extent of your vocabulary
• Being told I’m “wrong” all the time.
• Going to the airport (all the time!!)
• Spending € like they’re going out of fashion
• Not knowing where anything cool is happening!
• Mobile phone bill (October’s bill was £595!! Haven’t seen the others yet)
• Long distance relationship
• The faff of paying for stuff (asking for what you want from the counter and being given a ticket to take to the cash desk! Or having to show ID, AND put in pin and then sign.
• Everything shutting 2-5pm.
• Being so tired.
• Not being understood.
• Trying to manage Jordans long distance.
• Waiting for the 46 bus at Moncloa.
• People acting as statues outside the Palacio Real.
• Beggars prostrating themselves outside churches (‘praying’ to you to help them).
• Having to put so much effort into the simplest things!
• Being the one to organise stuff.
• The crazy concierge lady at my apartment.